"Courtship Process"

Courtship Process
Initial Contact

1.The courtship process is always initiated by the young man. Not the parents (this is courtship, not arranged marriage!), though they may of course give advice and offer suggestions as to a possible match. The young lady does not take the initiative in any case, rather waiting prayerfully and keeping her heart with her parents.

2. Where possible the young man should conceal his interest in the young lady until he has approached her parents. This is to prevent her from making an advance decision that may conflict with the counsel of her parents. It also serves to prevent undue emotional stress on her part if she suspects someone is seriously interested in her. Naturally, the young man should get to know her decently well within a public setting before committing himself to courtship.

NOTE: One advantage of courtship is the opportunity to see people as they really are. Typically in a dating relationship people will "act" and take special efforts to behave nicely and conceal their normal selves when around their date. How many times have you heard "she's not the woman I thought I was marrying!" (or vice versa)!? Watch how the young lady treats her father and family. Watch how the young man treats his mother and family. That can tell you a lot about what they will be like after the wedding.

3. When the young man has a young lady in mind, he should seek the counsel of both his parents and God through prayer. The parents have the right to veto the proposed courtship at their discretion if they feel their son is not ready, or, after discrete investigation of the young lady, they believe their son has made a poor choice. This prevents young men from having their hearts "stolen" by someone whom his parents (more level-headed and with more life experience) can see is an obviously bad choice. It also prevents the young lady from having to turn down a young man who is a poor choice for her, and protects the couple from suffering through a bad relationship that had little to recommend itself in the first place.

NOTE: In most cases a young man should look first to his father for counsel. In cases where the young man comes from a troubled family, the mother, older brother, a pastor, uncle or other trusted older man should serve as a surrogate. Courtship is not meant to be an inflexible process, so long as the underlying principles are understood and followed.

4. After the father of the young man gives his approval, either the father or the young man approaches the father of the young lady to propose the courtship. This is done discretely, without the knowledge of the young lady. As noted above, in the case of a broken family the suitor should be directed to a surrogate who has the trust of the young lady and her best interests at heart.

5. The father of the young lady considers the request. He should investigate the young man and get to know him well enough to be comfortable with him. This may entail activities together or subsequent meetings to establish familiarity and trust. If the father believes the young man has potential but is not satisfactory as yet, he may choose to work with him or set goals for the suitor to attain to gain his approval. These goals should be carefully considered, the reason for them should be clearly communicated, and they should be unambiguous. They may relate to spiritual, material or other matters. For example, regular attendance in church, attainment of a certain salary or amount of savings, or completion of an educational program. Where possible, this should all be done without the specific knowledge of the daughter to prevent emotional stress on her part.

6. Once the father of the young lady has decided to approve the courtship, he should then approach his daughter. She has the power to veto the proposal, in which case the father will communicate this to the young man or his father. This eliminates the more stressful nature of a direct rejection. If she gives her approval, the courtship may begin! In some instances there is a formal announcement of the courtship, such as at their church or via other means.NOTE: One difference between courtship and dating are the additional "hurdles" to be crossed. Both the parents of the fellow and the lady, as well as the young man and woman, all have "veto" power over the courtship. This effectively raises the "quality" of the romance and the beha