"Courtship Proper"

The Courtship Proper

1. During the courtship, time spent together by the courting couple is supervised by the parents, particularly the father, of the young lady. This provides ample opportunity for wise counsel and guidance, and prevents any regrettable actions from taking place (you know what I mean). Date rape, STD/VD's and destructive, intimacy-damaging behavior(as mentioned here) is stopped cold.

2. The open nature of courtship is designed to encourage interaction between the suitor and the whole family of the prospective bride, encouraging friendships with the whole family. The rest of the family, including younger siblings, are given an opportunity to interact with the suitor and offer advice and feedback.

NOTE: Obviously, courtship encourages and to some degree demands a healthy family. The adult supervision is not meant to be overbearing (something is unhealthy about the family if the young lady is rebellious in the first place!), but rather loving. If the young lady is rebellious, that ought to be a red flag to the suitor and his parents that she would be a poor wife. Remember the commandment: Honor [and obey] thy parents?

3. Parental supervision does not mean the parents have to stick tenaciously within arms' reach of their daughter whenever her suitor is visiting! While complete privacy should be strictly avoided, the couple should be able to speak privately when they wish, for example, in another room with the door open. The parents should always be around, but not intrusive if they need a little private space. Avoid both extremes. (Hint: if the couple really want to be alone just so they can talk, they can always use the telephone.)

4. The father should continue to work with the suitor, helping him develop character and testing him where needed. Likewise the mother of the suitor may interact with the young lady and develop a friendship with her. It is perfectly permissible for either set of parents to slow down or delay the courtship process to address and resolve any concern that arise, before or at any points during the process. The suitors should treat these decisions with respect for their parents rather than selfish rebelliousness.

5. Activities during courtship should be family-oriented, as opposed to focusing on the courting couple. The couple should get ample opportunity to see one another interacting within a family setting. Is the young man willing to sweat and get blisters and put in a hard day's work on some project with her dad, without whining? Does she mind cooking and cleaning and keeping a neat household?

NOTE: Another advantage to courtship over dating is the more "real-world" nature of courtship. Since couples see one another in "normal" family settings they gain a better idea of how they will act in a marriage. By contrast, dating specifically emphasizes going out and doing "unusual" activities (like seeing movies, going to nice restaurants, special events and celebrations, etc.) that give an artificial idea of how people will really behave on a day-to-day basis. People also tend to "put on their best behavior" while on dates, which also gives rise to misconceptions about their true nature.

6. The developing relationship should be evaluated in light of Scriptural principles; for example:
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails; Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.
But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body..

"Courtship Process"

Courtship Process
Initial Contact

1.The courtship process is always initiated by the young man. Not the parents (this is courtship, not arranged marriage!), though they may of course give advice and offer suggestions as to a possible match. The young lady does not take the initiative in any case, rather waiting prayerfully and keeping her heart with her parents.

2. Where possible the young man should conceal his interest in the young lady until he has approached her parents. This is to prevent her from making an advance decision that may conflict with the counsel of her parents. It also serves to prevent undue emotional stress on her part if she suspects someone is seriously interested in her. Naturally, the young man should get to know her decently well within a public setting before committing himself to courtship.

NOTE: One advantage of courtship is the opportunity to see people as they really are. Typically in a dating relationship people will "act" and take special efforts to behave nicely and conceal their normal selves when around their date. How many times have you heard "she's not the woman I thought I was marrying!" (or vice versa)!? Watch how the young lady treats her father and family. Watch how the young man treats his mother and family. That can tell you a lot about what they will be like after the wedding.

3. When the young man has a young lady in mind, he should seek the counsel of both his parents and God through prayer. The parents have the right to veto the proposed courtship at their discretion if they feel their son is not ready, or, after discrete investigation of the young lady, they believe their son has made a poor choice. This prevents young men from having their hearts "stolen" by someone whom his parents (more level-headed and with more life experience) can see is an obviously bad choice. It also prevents the young lady from having to turn down a young man who is a poor choice for her, and protects the couple from suffering through a bad relationship that had little to recommend itself in the first place.

NOTE: In most cases a young man should look first to his father for counsel. In cases where the young man comes from a troubled family, the mother, older brother, a pastor, uncle or other trusted older man should serve as a surrogate. Courtship is not meant to be an inflexible process, so long as the underlying principles are understood and followed.

4. After the father of the young man gives his approval, either the father or the young man approaches the father of the young lady to propose the courtship. This is done discretely, without the knowledge of the young lady. As noted above, in the case of a broken family the suitor should be directed to a surrogate who has the trust of the young lady and her best interests at heart.

5. The father of the young lady considers the request. He should investigate the young man and get to know him well enough to be comfortable with him. This may entail activities together or subsequent meetings to establish familiarity and trust. If the father believes the young man has potential but is not satisfactory as yet, he may choose to work with him or set goals for the suitor to attain to gain his approval. These goals should be carefully considered, the reason for them should be clearly communicated, and they should be unambiguous. They may relate to spiritual, material or other matters. For example, regular attendance in church, attainment of a certain salary or amount of savings, or completion of an educational program. Where possible, this should all be done without the specific knowledge of the daughter to prevent emotional stress on her part.

6. Once the father of the young lady has decided to approve the courtship, he should then approach his daughter. She has the power to veto the proposal, in which case the father will communicate this to the young man or his father. This eliminates the more stressful nature of a direct rejection. If she gives her approval, the courtship may begin! In some instances there is a formal announcement of the courtship, such as at their church or via other means.NOTE: One difference between courtship and dating are the additional "hurdles" to be crossed. Both the parents of the fellow and the lady, as well as the young man and woman, all have "veto" power over the courtship. This effectively raises the "quality" of the romance and the beha

"What is Courtship?"

What Is Courtship?

Not just word games,
but a different perspective

by Nathan Bailey



Introduction: Where we're headed!
The youth of today are getting ripped off. Instead of enjoying their teen years as they build skills and character, they are getting distracted into the quagmire of relationships which they are not equipped to conduct. The teen years are those where they have the fewest responsibilities at the same time as having their greatest energy level. These should be fun times, exciting times. They should be an opportunity to develop a deep, intimate and personal walk with God, establishing themselves as young warriors who know the Father and have overcome the evil one (1 John 2:13).

Unfortunately, however, our culture teaches our singles to engage in multiple dating relationships as though it were a normal and useful practice. The truth is, the modern dating system has only been around for less than a century. And it is my conviction that the worldly system of dating, as it is currently conducted by most people, is far from God's original plan, as described in the Bible. I intend to expose the flaws I see in today's dating model, and at the same time point out how Biblical courtship addresses these flaws.


An overview of dating and courtship
Dating was invented in the early part of this century. Prior to that time, marriage always involved much more input from the parents, and "trial relationships" leading up to marriage were not conducted at all. Courtship, which I intend to discuss further in this series of articles, seeks to fulfill the Godly model described in the Bible, which was conducted by God's people up until the invention of dating. My basic premise is that regardless of how we feel about things, we should follow God's model, because it will be the most effective and fulfilling. My intention is to convey that conviction, then to describe my current understanding of His model.

Courtship is about open and honest exploration of each others lives and families leading up to engagement and marriage. Courtship is about marriage – you court in order to see if there is any reason why you shouldn't get married. There is no romantic interaction until after the commitment to marriage.

Courtship is a word that has been adopted to describe a biblical model for the relationship leading up to marriage. In the Bible, the parents were always involved in the marriage process. They did not arrange the marriage without the children's consent, although they were certainly involved in the arrangements. Sometimes the parents found partners for the children, and then the children were consulted for their opinion. Other times the son would approach the daughter's father and make arrangements with him.

What's wrong with dating?
There are many forms of dating, perhaps as many as there are people. Everyone has a different view of what is right and wrong. But there is a glaring fault in many of our models, a double- standard. Once we are married, we recognize that certain things are sacred to our partner. Things such as co-habitation, kissing, intimate hugging, s_x* and bringing up children. We recognize that not only our physical body, but our emotions, even our spirit are dedicated to that one partner, for the rest of our life (according to our vows).

The dichotomy is this: in dating, we presume to partake of many of these privileges of marriage. We would be shocked if a married man had an emotional attachment to another woman, and yet it's quite acceptable for singles to have a different emotional attachment every week. On the one hand, we save s_x for our partners (and some even do that sparingly), but on the other, we engage in rampant emotional promiscuity, giving pieces of our hearts away until one wonders what will be left for that special, life-long partner.

* * * * *

You may feel that "courtship" does not adequately describe these principles. If so, I would be happy to hear from you, because I don't believe I have all the answers yet, I feel I'm still on the journey. These articles have already undergone considerable revision from readers' feedback. However, from my review of the Bible, it is my firm conviction that the recreational dating scene is not God's plan for finding a mate.